Seesawing

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We’re not meant to do life alone. 

My pride always made me think otherwise. Living in New York, I grew accustomed to being on my own, and accepted that no one will care about my life as much as I do. At first, that thought really hurt me. The amount of time and faith I invested into the people in my life, I wanted it to be reciprocated. I wanted to believe in and experience the unwavering and unconditional loyalty from the people I loved, but more and more I realized that was a lot to ask of people. I’d be disappointed time and time again, and stopped putting my trust into people all together. I thought I can do life on my own, and I don’t need the support of anybody else. Even when it came to family, the fact that I only saw my parents once or twice a year made me feel so distant and isolated. These thoughts of disconnect and instability made me unsettled for months, if not years.

For the longest time, I have been battling whether or not I want to stay in Los Angeles or move back to New York. I’ll create lists of pros and cons for both locations, and always come up with I don’t know. A part of me kept feeling like New York had more growth opportunities for me, and that I should have given it a little more time, but the other part of me had a strong feeling there was a very specific reason I moved back to Los Angeles at the time I did. Truth is, I’m always going to have these thoughts. The consequence that comes with living in two incredibly different, but equally amazing places for a significant amount of time, is not knowing which place is more suitable for you. The what if factor is always hovering over you, and you can’t come to a conclusion, but that’s just life. The “grass is always greener on the other side” cliche may be overused, but it’s just part of our being to think this way; to be unsatisfied with what you have right in front of you, and to constantly look ahead to what currently isn’t within reach.

Two weekends ago, at Coachella, I looked at what was right in front of me, and it brought me a lot of clarity. I’m not gonna be that girl that says “OMG Coachella was a life changing experience”, and I’d like to think there is a more significant moment that comes I can truly call life-changing, but it was definitely a weekend I will always remember. For three days, I felt like a complete kid again. I was carefree and my sense of reality momentarily drifted away. All of the stress and anxiety ruling over my life the past several months vanished; I didn’t care if it would only last a few days, I embraced every minute of it. But more than the setting and the actual experience of the festival, it was the people I was with that made all the difference. It was this group of people I’ve come to appreciate and love during my year back in LA that showed me life wasn’t meant to do alone. A year ago, 15 out of the 17 people I was with did not exist in my life, but now I can’t imagine doing life without them. A lot of shit has happened the past couple months, which made me question why I was out here, and why these things were happening to me, but if there was a singular reason I was brought out here last May, it was because these strangers were going to enter my life and make me redefine what matters. The people I have met the past year, and the people who have been by my for the majority of my life have show me what genuine, life long relationships look like, friendships I became jaded to and forgot existed. It’s a bond that has been years in the making, and I’m just lucky to be a part of it.

As a twenty two year old, I’m just starting to figure life out, as is every one else my age. I’m thinking about my career, my future, my potential, where life can take me in the next few years. That is definitely where my main focus should be, but I’m realizing it’s not all about that. The amount of success I achieve and the wealth I attain cannot purchase the relationships I’ve built, the moments that were shared and all the memories that were made; each experience is unique and they can’t be recreated. I’ve experienced some of the happiest moments of my life, and have been able to get through some of the most taxing periods of my life because of the constant love and support pouring out from the people around me. Call me naive, but I think that’s worth sticking around for.

Life is not meant to be done alone, and you’re lying to yourself if you think you can. Appreciate the people who reach out to you and show you love because you don’t know how drastically they can change your life. I’m grateful beyond measure for the people who have sown into me and graced me with their presence in my life because each and every one of them make me better.

blink.


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“Being humbled is an experience like no other. It teaches you patience, how to deal with challenges and helps you appreciate what you have.” 

It was in a moment of great fear, shock, panic that I felt the most gratitude.

Starting your life over in a new city and making the first real steps into adulthood is never easy. In your mind you think, it won’t be that difficult or everything will always work out, and you just take everything day by day. You’ll have some troubled times, but you’ll also learn how to be a stronger, more independent person. You think you’re just figuring out life and that you’ll get the stride, but then you’re hit with frantic moments where all that confidence you started to build up comes crumbling down. Now, you really can’t see the light ahead, and are just hoping some kind of miracle happens.

The past week has been a complete blur. I’ll go through the motions of my daily life, but I’m in a constant daze not knowing how to comprehend the magnitude of my current circumstances. I think it’s safe to say I have never felt more disoriented and utterly helpless than I do at this very moment. I was driving home like any other day, on a route I’ve been on consistently for the past 7 months. It felt like any other Wednesday, but in a blink of an eye, my familiarity of that moment became obstructed. Before I knew it, I was locking eyes with the driver in an opposing car with our vehicles smashed against each other. I didn’t know what I felt in that moment; stunned, shocked, fear? As my body started to shake uncontrollably, I tried to focus on what had just happened, but all I could do was blink and stare aimlessly at what was in front of me. Despite what had just happened, I had tears in my eyes and was humbled in gratitude; grateful that I was still blinking, still shaking, still completely and fully able to experience the panic and shock I was feeling.

The aftermath of all of this has been brutal. Maybe it’s because I’m still so young, naive and reckless, but dealing with the repercussions of the accident have been more than I can mentally and emotionally handle. My mind did not have the capacity to understand and come to terms with how much shit was happening that I would just shut down completely.  The reality of how harsh this world really is, and how easy it is to fall into a place where you’re actually fearful about how you’re going to make ends meet is absolutely sobering. When you live a sheltered life, these things seem so distant. You think that no matter what happens, you’ll stay afloat and you’ll be fine. But reality hits you like a freaking bus and you’re in for a rude awakening.  You feel like you’re sinking without any kind of anchor.

People who know me know that I’m not a negative person, and I always believe there is a greater purpose for whatever tribulations come in life; this time, I couldn’t understand why these things were happening to me. When I’d finally come to terms with one thing, another piece of bad news would slap me in the face. I could feel my spirit becoming more and more restless, and I would constantly find myself muttering words of prayer begging that it could somehow go away. I feel weak and defeated, but I’m still fighting to believe there’s a reason for everything, no matter how much I hate the process of finding out what it is. I’ve engrained in my mind that God does not give you more than you can handle, so despite how much I feel like I’m falling apart, He clearly knows I can see this through. It just hurts to think that it took this much for God to get my attention.

My daddy always told me that the things that happen to you reflects the state your life is in. Though my pride doesn’t want to admit it, I can’t help but think this is somewhat valid. I have been reckless, and my judgment has been clouded. This was all a huge wake up call for me. When you’re stripped of the things that you take for granted, you’re left really thinking about what matters, where your focus has been, and where it should be. I can’t say that I’m in a place where I appreciate this experience and what I’m going through, but I know that one day I will be. It shouldn’t take moments where our lives are in danger for us to feel the most grateful, but we can’t control human nature. At the end of the day, I’m grateful that God has me in his hands, and that he continues to fight for my heart. Even being able to blink was something to be thankful for because, in each of those moments, He was breathing life into me.

faithful presence

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About a month ago, Pastor Tim Chaddick shared an incredible message at RealityLA on the importance of having a faithful presence in people’s lives. He spoke on how having a community built on genuine relationships matters and that there are NO unimportant people. Previously, when I heard messages on this topic, my natural instinct was to think, Well, obviously. I already know that. However, something about Pastor Tim’s message really struck me. Maybe it was the constant repetition of “People matter” or the excellent deliverance of the message, but weeks out, I am still thinking about what was shared that evening. More often than not, we have very selective group of people we build our community around. Everyone thinks their friends are the best and that they really don’t care to make any new ones. The people directly involved in our lives are the ones that matter, and everyone else is just noise in the background. But he challenged the congregation to see past ourselves and understand how each of those people that we dismiss have their own fascinating and deeply written stories. Everyone has a unique reason they’re in this world and have a very specific purpose in God’s greater picture.

This made me appreciate the relationships I currently have so much more, but it also made me curious about the people I come across everyday who have their own radical stories. I so often navigate towards people who are similar to me in interests and lifestyles that I neglect the variety of people in this world that have the ability to challenge my perspectives and pull me out of my comfort zone. I think They’re so different. Why would they care about me? Why would I be remotely interesting to them? But that’s the issue. Society has become so jaded to the thought that people can genuinely care that they fear intimacy. People have come to think that every relationship that goes deeper has some kind of ulterior motive behind it, and fail to see that we’re meant to share life with others. We weren’t made to go through this life alone; we’re made to generously sow into people and to receive that kind of love and care back. Just as much as I have the capacity to invest in someone, they have the capacity to invest in me. Sure, it may not always be reciprocated, but that shouldn’t be what keeps people from making that first step. It can be scary to be in a vulnerable state and invest deeply in people, but, more often than not, you get to hear their story, you get to hear about the joys and tribulations they’ve gone through that have significantly influenced and shaped who they are. Isn’t that worth it? Isn’t the fear of rejection and fear of getting hurt petty compared to what you can learn and experience? Being on the surface level with people and thinking that we can go through this life perfectly on our own is almost selfish. When we sacrifice a little of ourselves and are willing to be a presence in people’s lives, we get an overflow of life-changing blessings.

hello 2015.

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Each year has monumental moments, downfalls, tribulations, celebrations, etc. 2014 was no different. As I look back on this past year, I’m amazed at how much has happened and how much has changed. The most significant event that happened in 2014 would have to be graduating college and shipping my life back to Los Angeles. Though I miss New York every day, and have a mental battle of whether or not I want to go back, I know there was a reason I made the decision I did. It never really hit me until I sat down and really reflected on the past year and thought about the people I’ve met, the memories I’ve made and the personal changes I’ve experienced. I had so many expectations moving to LA, but none of those expectations I had constructed were met. But that was the beauty of it; there was perfection in the unexpected and it was far greater than I could have imagined for myself.

It is human nature to think there is always something better out there and that there is more that can be accomplished, but these thoughts cripple us from embracing what we have in the moment. I spent too much time focusing on what was out there, and what I was missing out on, that I started to lack appreciation for what I had right in front of me. I have the most amazing people in my life; people who challenge me, who share their love and positivity, and who make me the best person I can be. Six months ago I thought I was pretty satisfied with my life as it was. I was fine with where I was headed, who I was surrounded with, what my circumstances were. Now I can’t imagine my life without the people currently involved in it, and the goals I am just beginning to develop. People always say everything happens for a reason, but I have never felt that statement to be more true than through the events and decisions made this year.

I stopped making resolutions several years ago. More often than not, I couldn’t keep them, but I realized there was no point in making resolutions. People should try to better themselves on a daily basis and should always challenge themselves to make better decisions. The only thing I hope for is that that I live more fearlessly and intentionally this year. When I reached out to a friend of mine for some advice, he simply said “you can’t let your fears shackle you from doing what you’re meant to do.” This statement resonated with me deeply, and is what I hope defines 2015. The best is yet to come.

happy new year !

What is relevant?

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What shoes am I going to wear with this outfit? Should I wear my hair straight, curled or up in a bun? Do I want to go with vampy red or flirty pink? Should I get a salad to cut the cals or just fuck it and get a burger? 10 more reps? Would that make me look extra yolked? Should I drop down bills and credit cards to impress, even when I know I can’t afford to do so? What can I say to appear witty and charming? What will I be doing five years from now? What will give me status in society? Can I ever achieve the life I want to live? I want this job. I want that life. I want that outfit. I want I want I want…

Our minds are consumed with these kinds of superficial self-fulfilling thoughts on a daily basis; I am definitely guilty. We become so concerned with what is going on in our immediate environment, and strive to find a way to match up to the standards set by society, that we often forget about the bigger picture. We forget about what really matters in this life, the tragedies that go on around our world and the difference we have the potential to make.

The media flaunts the ideal of fame and glamour, idolizing individuals who have made it in the limelight and can sing some tunes and dance on stage. We get attracted to the wealth, the beauty, the praise. These icons become the staple of society; the image they portray is what individuals, young and old, feed off of. We forget that they are no different than you and me. They’re still human. Behind closed doors, more often than not, they’re living fucked up lives with miseries that they’ll never let surface. Some things, money really can’t buy. Is it worth it to vicariously live through them and miss out on the beautiful moments in our own lives?

Some of us find an urgency to be wherever something’s going on because of serious FOMO and the desire for our presence to be felt. Where the crowd is, we naturally gravitate towards because that’s where we can expand our network. We want to be in the know and become everyone’s best friend, but take a moment and step back, do those people feel the same about you? Is it worth focusing so much energy into being noticed amongst people who don’t care when you can be expending that same energy into something that can actually bear fruit?

This generation has the tendency to always want more and to complain when we don’t get it. This is definitely something I struggle with. We fool ourselves to think If I get THAT job, I’ll be SO happy. If I find THAT guy, I’ll know what falling in love is like. If I just have THOSE material things, I’ll never ask for more. Truth is, we’re always going to want more. We’re like children who desperately want certain things, we’re just old enough to know how to suppress our tantrums. We’ll never really be satisfied by the things that this world will offer us. These things that we think are so crucial to our lives now, slowly become irrelevant. We meet new people, find new passions, obsess over new inventions and trends. It’s a cycle that doesn’t stop. So if the cycle never stops, will you ever find happiness?

The thing is, we have the choice to make these things significant in our lives. We think that it is inevitable for us to be wired to focus on these things because these are things that are relevant in our society. But that’s just an excuse. That’s easy. These are choices we make on a daily basis. You can choose to sacrifice a little of yourself and your time to help someone who may be in need. You can choose to tune out the the norms the media presents and enjoy your life, in the present moment, with the people you ACTUALLY know and love. You can choose to step away from the crowd and learn more about yourself and what YOU love instead of exhausting yourself trying to know everyone and everything. You can choose to be thankful for what you have and the people you are surrounded with every day, and you can choose to embrace this season in your life and appreciate whatever else happens to come your way. These are choices we make on a daily basis. We wake up in the morning, and choose to have a good day. We choose to love who we love and we choose to shape our lives in a particular way. Sometimes, we need to be still and really reflect on what we hope our lives will look like if we look back on the span of it. Will all these menial things we count so important now really mean anything?

What is relevant?
That’s up to you.

vital

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When you sit down on a chair, you don’t think twice about whether or not it will keep you upright as it should, you believe gravity will hold you up. When you feel a breeze, you know the wind is blowing. You can’t see it, but you don’t question its existence. That kind of innate instinct and unwavering trust is what faith should look like. I always find it hard to explain the concept of faith because it is something so complex and personal. I’m not one to force my faith on others because I believe it is something intimate that cannot be demanded, but I do believe faith is something worth sharing.

I was baptized at birth and was raised in a Christian family. I grew up attending church on a weekly basis and always involved myself in church activities; I was on praise team, helped out at summer camps, attended bible studies, etc. I didn’t entirely know why i was doing what I was doing or what I really believed in, but I went through the motions because that’s what I knew to be right. As I got older and became more exposed to the world, I became conflicted and questioned where my values really lied and whether my faith was built out of default or because of my genuine belief. I had to separate my participatory faith and my real faith. During high school I had several opportunities to get baptized again as an adult, but I always found myself reluctant. I wanted to recommit my life when I was ready and when I knew what I believed in.

I have been incredibly blessed to hear some incredible testimonies about how God has completely changed people’s lives; life stories from people who were once gangsters, drug addicts, alcoholics, but turned a 180 once they accepted Christ, praise reports of healing from physical, mental, emotional ailments, testimonies of near-death experiences where God offered a second chance at life. Hearing these testimonies, I’d alway feel humbled and deeply encouraged, but I would always find myself wondering when my “moment” would come; that moment where God becomes so real to me and nothing could hinder my belief. I’d go to every retreat, praise night, service expecting for that revelation to come, and would find myself disappointed. The funny thing was that while I was searching for that “moment”, God was already doing radical things in my life that I was missing out on because my focus was elsewhere. I wasn’t recognizing what he was giving me directly because I was paying too much attention to what he was giving to someone else. But faith isn’t about someone else. It’s not about another person’s life, what struggles they’ve gone through and how they’ve overcome them through their beliefs. Faith is personal. It’s based on what you believe and what you know to be true.

I may not have a crazy story, but that’s okay. God became real in my life in silence and when I was completely alone. It wasn’t a climactic moment where something dramatic happened, it was just a solitary moment where I knew that my life would not and could not be fulfilling without His presence. I knew I could live my life by my own means but I would always come up empty. On April 15, 2013, at the age of 20 years old, I was ready to re-commit.

My values and beliefs are what drive my life and what keep me grounded. I know there will be times I find myself slipping and depending on worldly things to offer me comfort and satisfaction, but I’ll always come back to the same place. When I’m going through a funk and I don’t know why, I’ll look at where my spiritual life stands and 99% of the time, it is because I have been negligent and withdrawing. When I chose to get baptized, it was a huge “moment” for me, not because something monumental happened, but because the faith I presumably believed in for 20 years finally became real to me.

Everyone is going to have a different story, but it doesn’t make one greater than the other, so there is no need to look at someone else’s faith and wish their story was your own. That’s the beauty of having faith in something. Once you believe in it, no one can take it away.

Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.

When 1 + 1 no longer equals 2

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When your in your 20s, you’re either single, in the butterfly stages of a relationship, or you’ve been in a relationship for quite sometime. The 20s are the years you begin to figure out what kind of person you really want for yourself, and what kind of person you know you aren’t compatible with. With this experimental season comes great excitement, joy, love, but there is also the unavoidable consequence of heartbreak. Every time you lose someone that once meant so much to you, it hurts. It’s inevitable and even when you think it doesn’t affect you, at some point, it will resurface. There is no sugar coating when you experience heartbreak. It doesn’t matter what people say to try to comfort you because, though those encouragements are greatly appreciated and welcomed, they only temporarily relieve wounds that are so deeply cut.

I’ve learned its a little cycle. At first your sad. You reflect on however long you’ve been with that person and you think about all your memories. You think about how good it was and how happy you were, and then you try to pinpoint the moment it went wrong. You start to question why things turned out the way they did, and you begin to blame yourself. You think about the things you lacked, or the areas you fell short, and you start feeling insecure and lose confidence in who you are. You become numb to anything and everything, and you find hardship in facing each day. You may appear fine on the outside, but you’re just desperately trying to keep your broken self together.

Once this sadness passes and you’ve expended so much energy in letting yourself feel the pain, you become increasingly bitter. The tables turn and you start to think about what they did wrong, how they didn’t consider your circumstances, how they were selfish. It then becomes a blame game of it wasn’t me, it was actually you. You feel a kind of refreshed satisfaction in this bitter state because, for a moment, you throw off the burden of the breakup by just believing it wasn’t your fault. It’s easier to suppress hurt when you camouflage it with resentment and anger, but the effectiveness of this mechanism is only momentary.

What comes after these few stages? When you come to the realization of how vulnerable you actually are, and how much hurt your hiding behind, how do you cope? When your mind doesn’t allow you to let go, how do you force yourself to move forward? You live in a daze searching aimlessly for something to fill the void you’re feeling, not knowing how to come face to face with the situation at hand. You refuse to let yourself feel the emotions that you need to feel to move forward because part of you honestly doesn’t want to. You want to hold on because it’s what makes sense to you. You keep thinking if I let go, everything I believed in and trusted just perishes. But sometimes, the best thing you can do is to let go. For the other person and for yourself. Sometimes, holding on only prevents you from developing and bettering yourself and keeps you from really finding the person that was designed for you. You engage so much of your time into holding onto something that no longer exists. You may have fallen in love, but it’s just as easy to fall out of it. Just because you let go doesn’t mean you never loved them, or that the time was wasted. It just means the time you had was to edify you and prepare you for something and someone more perfect for you.

It’s never going to be easy, so don’t try to force yourself to think that it is. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, but don’t grow bitter to the point even the best memories together turn sour.