It was in a moment of great fear, shock, panic that I felt the most gratitude.
Starting your life over in a new city and making the first real steps into adulthood is never easy. In your mind you think, it won’t be that difficult or everything will always work out, and you just take everything day by day. You’ll have some troubled times, but you’ll also learn how to be a stronger, more independent person. You think you’re just figuring out life and that you’ll get the stride, but then you’re hit with frantic moments where all that confidence you started to build up comes crumbling down. Now, you really can’t see the light ahead, and are just hoping some kind of miracle happens.
The past week has been a complete blur. I’ll go through the motions of my daily life, but I’m in a constant daze not knowing how to comprehend the magnitude of my current circumstances. I think it’s safe to say I have never felt more disoriented and utterly helpless than I do at this very moment. I was driving home like any other day, on a route I’ve been on consistently for the past 7 months. It felt like any other Wednesday, but in a blink of an eye, my familiarity of that moment became obstructed. Before I knew it, I was locking eyes with the driver in an opposing car with our vehicles smashed against each other. I didn’t know what I felt in that moment; stunned, shocked, fear? As my body started to shake uncontrollably, I tried to focus on what had just happened, but all I could do was blink and stare aimlessly at what was in front of me. Despite what had just happened, I had tears in my eyes and was humbled in gratitude; grateful that I was still blinking, still shaking, still completely and fully able to experience the panic and shock I was feeling.
The aftermath of all of this has been brutal. Maybe it’s because I’m still so young, naive and reckless, but dealing with the repercussions of the accident have been more than I can mentally and emotionally handle. My mind did not have the capacity to understand and come to terms with how much shit was happening that I would just shut down completely. The reality of how harsh this world really is, and how easy it is to fall into a place where you’re actually fearful about how you’re going to make ends meet is absolutely sobering. When you live a sheltered life, these things seem so distant. You think that no matter what happens, you’ll stay afloat and you’ll be fine. But reality hits you like a freaking bus and you’re in for a rude awakening. You feel like you’re sinking without any kind of anchor.
People who know me know that I’m not a negative person, and I always believe there is a greater purpose for whatever tribulations come in life; this time, I couldn’t understand why these things were happening to me. When I’d finally come to terms with one thing, another piece of bad news would slap me in the face. I could feel my spirit becoming more and more restless, and I would constantly find myself muttering words of prayer begging that it could somehow go away. I feel weak and defeated, but I’m still fighting to believe there’s a reason for everything, no matter how much I hate the process of finding out what it is. I’ve engrained in my mind that God does not give you more than you can handle, so despite how much I feel like I’m falling apart, He clearly knows I can see this through. It just hurts to think that it took this much for God to get my attention.
My daddy always told me that the things that happen to you reflects the state your life is in. Though my pride doesn’t want to admit it, I can’t help but think this is somewhat valid. I have been reckless, and my judgment has been clouded. This was all a huge wake up call for me. When you’re stripped of the things that you take for granted, you’re left really thinking about what matters, where your focus has been, and where it should be. I can’t say that I’m in a place where I appreciate this experience and what I’m going through, but I know that one day I will be. It shouldn’t take moments where our lives are in danger for us to feel the most grateful, but we can’t control human nature. At the end of the day, I’m grateful that God has me in his hands, and that he continues to fight for my heart. Even being able to blink was something to be thankful for because, in each of those moments, He was breathing life into me.