in june, during a sob fest dinner with one of my girlfriends, she asked me “who is debbie? think about that. you need to know who you are in order for you to love who you are.” that resonated with me because i couldn’t answer her at the time. i remember sitting in the sushi restaurant with tears streaked on my face feeling lost and questioning so many aspects of my life. i was so afraid of change and fearful that i’d make the wrong decisions that i just stayed stagnant for years. i knew that fear had been crippling me and it made me lose confidence in my potential and who i am as a person.
the last few weeks have been crazy. i turned 25, made the decision to leave a job i was at for three years that i heavily invested in both personally and professionally, and was hired at a new company that i’ll be starting come monday. during this period of time, i had a lot of anxiety, stress, insecurity, doubts, you name it. as much as i tried to tell myself not to feel these things, i’m only human and couldn’t help it. i was so overwhelmed with just life that i felt like i was losing myself in the process. i had so much trouble sleeping (if you know me, this is shocking), it was hard for me to be open about my thoughts, be honest with myself, believe in my decisions, trust people. i probably didn’t look it on the outside, but i was legit a mess on the inside.
usually when i go through big life changes, i completely shut down, but i made a very conscious effort to approach this season of my life differently. i really had to train my mind and challenge myself to be very intentional with my thoughts and my actions. as hard as it was, i told myself that regardless of where it takes me, i would have faith in the journey. if there’s one thing i’ve learned in my spiritual walk in the past six years it’s that there is greater purpose in times of chaos, even when i cannot immediately see it or understand it. i had created a comfort bubble for myself and went along with a very routine lifestyle for many years. even when my heart and curiosity kept tugging at me to embrace change and make moves, i was too afraid to ever do it. i would complain and make excuses, but that’s literally all i would do…complain and make excuses. at church, in prayer, in reading the word, i always got the same thing “trust me. let me guide you,” and i’d say “okay, God,” but then run the other direction. this was an ongoing cycle. i knew what i wanted, but i wouldn’t let myself get there.
i don’t know what it was, but at one point i just hit this wall where i thought girl, you are only cheating yourself living like this. stop whining and do something about it. maybe it was turning 25? that quarter life crisis? haha. my problem was that i always wanted to know what would happen before it actually happened. i’m a sucker for spoilers, so lets just say i wanted a spoiler on life. clearly, that wasn’t going to happen, so i just needed to take that leap of faith into the unknown and do exactly what God was asking me to do…trust Him and let Him guide me.
the past few months have not been easy, but they’ve also been very rewarding. i’ve learned so much about myself, but also about what it means to lean into God and let him take lead. i wasn’t sure what would be the outcome of everything that was happening, but i knew wherever i landed, it was intentional and there was a purpose. when i made that first step and started walking and trusting, He met me half way.
i’m really excited to start this new chapter in my life and i’m really thankful for those who stood by me during this journey, who constantly encouraged me, loved on me, believed in me and carried my fragile heart with grace. my friends and family, i want you to know i appreciate you and your kindness has been branded on my heart. i’m incredibly lucky and i won’t forget it. i’m nervous, but i really believe i’m right where i’m supposed to be.
cheers to new beginnings !