it didn’t turn out like i thought it would… but that’s okay.

27 was the year.

for some reason it was always the year i pinpointed and imagined when i was younger. it was the year i thought i’d be engaged, perhaps even married. it was the year i thought i would feel secure and confident in where i was at in life – the year i felt like i’d have all the answers aligned, and the year i would finally have “adulting” down… 27, 27, 27…

before i knew it, i was going to be turning 27 in two weeks and i could not be further from all of those things. as the days inched closer, i found myself going into a rabbit hole of bleak thoughts, anxiety would kick in, and i would ultimately land at a place of deep disappointment and confusion. how did this happen? 27 was always the goal… 27 was always the vision.. how did i get it so wrong? these thoughts kept clouding my mind, i kept sinking into my sadness, and i’d physically feel lethargic as the negative energy started manifesting in my body. i kept waiting for the feeling to just go away, but i realized i needed to make the conscious effort to alter my mind. i knew i was strong enough to prevent these thoughts from crippling me with fear and anxiety, and i had to start asking myself the questions: why are you so fixated on this? yeah, you thought life would look different at 27.. so what? yeah, you’re closer to 30, so what?! 

it was in asking these questions that i had a moment of self awareness. again, it was about control. with me, it’s always been about control. since i was a young girl, i was a dreamer, i was a hopeless romantic, i wanted to design the life that i envisioned for myself rather than allowing my life to take the journey it’s supposed to. instead of allowing God to pave the way for me, i would always try running miles ahead to make my own path, and would just end up tripping all over my feet.

i may not necessarily be where i hoped i would be, and that picture perfect dream i had obsessed over about 27 may not have come true, but it wasn’t because i had done something wrong, or that something was wrong with me. God just had a different plan for me. it was the unexpected moments that made the 26 years of my life beautiful. it was the people i surrounded myself with, the hard work i put in, the courage i had to take risks, my faith in God, the constant process of weathering and rebuilding that made me who i am. it was in the moments i let go of control that i actually lived. 

instead of approaching this year with fear, anxiety, reluctance, i want to change my perspective and get excited about it and embrace it fully. i may be getting older in age, but my spirit is still youthful and so full of life. the smallest things still excite me, my curiosity is always stirring, and i hope that’s a part of me that never gets jaded.

everything i’ve been through has led me to this point. nothing was wasted time and nothing was regrettable. i’m ready to let go of the idol 27 had become for me. i’m going to welcome this next year with open arms and appreciate the life i’m leading. i’m still figuring life out, i’m still figuring me out, and i’m exactly where i’m supposed to be.

 

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